she said, "i initiate everything. in every aspect of my life and that’s the one area i wont initiate. sometimes i just wonder ‘where are you?!’ the thing is, he’s probably out there doing something so inspiring with his time, he doesn’t even have a moment to breathe. that’s what he’s doing."
this is one of those times, like when your lit teacher tells you to empty your mind on a page. to not think, to not worry about form, but only let it flow. out of your mind and on to the page.
a conversation happened today that made me think, there is more out there.
this has been a conversation in my head for a bit.
boys and girls. the thing they call dating.
but it’s a specific kind. not the kind i was when i was before. not the kind that goes to college to meet her husband.
no, she is the girl with an idea in her mind and a mission in her soul. she is driven. she does not exist with the thought that once they meet her life can begin. no. she is already out there, designing a life she wants. she is getting after it.
she is not braiding her hair and waiting.
this girl exists. i met her today and there are more in the like.
there’s a bug going around america and in the streets of seattle. it’s symptoms are: beating around the bush. anxiety in the midst of another. waiting. beating around the bush. lack of initiative. conversation without direction. grey lines and more grey lines.
the cure is out there. i know it, i’ve seen it.
now, here’s where my frustration comes in. something i’ve yielded from the amount i’ve traveled. from going to cities i dont know and forming what are now bonds to what were strangers. it has to be there in my daily life, meeting perfect strangers and turning them into not just clients, but friends. someone you connect on what beats the heart in their chest. once you have that happen, there’s no other way to grow a connection with another.
we are just two people. lets just put that out there.
so now. that’s who i am. and that’s the way my brain works. you realize that that person over there is just another person. so why the hell be nervous and why the hell waste all this time being so polite. Let’s just be real.
why can we just come out and say it as it is? why cant the words that both people are thinking be said? there are no balls here.
we’re just testing this out.
And theres not a guarantee it’ll go somewhere.
and i dont feel bad about that.
and your sister tells you to just pull the reigns back. to not ask those questions the first time you meet someone. people aren’t used to it.
the thing is, i’d so much rather pass all the bullshit of small talk. i’d rather drink pee.
why cant i get to the meat of it. why can’t i see who they are.
and actually, why cant they be the one to see who i am.
i want him to ask the question. to lead.
And I refuse to just allow the excuse, “not everyone can just do that andria. be that open.”
that’s what we’re after with all this aren’t we?
because i want to feel something. i want to be inspired. i want to come across someone who is already doing something. already passionate. for whatever it is.
i am not easily impressed. and i sure as hell hope he isn’t either. let us not be and allow the standard for girls that anything can walk up and get our attention. no.
i want to be inspired. i want to come across someone doing something.
where are these men?
i initiate every aspect of my life. this is not one i will.
give us a guy with some initiative, ladies be falling all over themselves. it doesn’t exist.
the thing is, im perfectly happy. people want you to be with someone and they’re surprised when you dont fall down crying when you report you are single. and sure, there are times when im going to a christmas party and im the only one not sitting on someone’s lap and i want to be. that’s fine, im human. i have a heart and i long for the one He has for me. but the thing is, I feel so fulfilled, so incredibly happy. not a day goes by where i dont feel absolutely overwhelmed with joy. that i don’t sit with a huge smile on my face alone in a room. That im not working for something i love. not a day.
so that’s the chair i’m in.
And I’d rather be in that chair on a Friday night then one that is looking at a guy who can’t figure it out. Who decides he wants to see you once every 2 months. across from indecision. from an investment that wasn’t anything. from allowing a kiss that’d never go anywhere.
i’m happy. i’m fulfilled. i have a purpose. i serve a Lord that brings me delight.
but i sit and wonder and know that it will take a certain type.
not to be admired, but understood.
that’s the goal here.
To run crazy thru the streets. Hard after our hearts aim.
i dont care what it is that brings you that passion as long as we have the thread between us where we understand the level and intensity.
good lord that’s what i want.
i want one conversation to lift me up and carry me. i want to light up. i want to feel anything is achievable.
i want to feel something.
a boy who wants the things i want. a boy who doesn’t come along, cuz he’s already gone where im going.
that’s one of the most beautiful interpretations i’ve come across this year of what i feel. one of my favorite songs put words to a thought i’d been carrying.
is it intimidating? is that it? cant be.
ask something and want to hear the answer.
then ask another question.
have a purpose.
grab her hand.
get caught up in it.
let it be known.
see her at night and see her in the morning.
go for the jugular.
ask with intent.
be a man and lead. and be ok with the fact that she is a leader on her own. but dont make her lead.
and this isn’t written for some *one* - that couldn’t be the furthest thing from it. this is for the handfuls.
I’m tired of the bites. honestly there isnt anything more annoying. Mean something. Be something. Let’s get one on the hook.
Giving you my time is not giving you my heart.
and I refuse to feel bad that a heart not beating didn’t manage to capture my own heart.
that has to be earned and cared for.
you know what i’d like to do. i’d like to get lost in conversation. to not even do anything. have a conversation on some stairs and feel a connection. i’d take that over an elaborate date any day.
I want to see him get excited. feel some beat to the drum.
i want that over wondering and stumbles. i want that over indecision.
Want that over vanilla. or something that just fits. death to vanilla.
but what does he do. what does he stand for.
good lord dont stand in her shadow, go make your own way.
lets be a presence.
"i live in such a state of celebration. i often miss not having someone to celebrate with."
that’s what she said. and it’s so true. i long for that celebration. someone to share in the joy. but not just my own…let’s have two sides to the coin.
I want to be in awe of your heart. of your ideas.
the thing is. it’s going to take someone special. to get my attention. and to keep it. not because i am a queen but because i’m fulfilled and i’m happy. because i have a purpose and im living in it. because there isn’t anything i’d change and i dont believe you have to *have someone* in order to be who you were intended to be.
surely you’re thinking, hey you know…this is a two way street missy.
so true. point me in the direction to the man writing what he wants in a woman. someone with passion and an opinion? give him my number.
this is straight from my core. it’s something i worry about. it’s something that’s come up.
it’s a truth that so easily has me let go of my latch on a budding something.
when you know the standard, it’s only that much easier to see when it’s not. and i’d pray he is doing the same. easily letting go of that budding something that will never come to full bloom.
because i want the best. i want it to the fullest. and i’d rather lean on patience, on trust. i’d rather aim for the ultimate. i will keep my hope.
i will wait for passion. i will wait for intensity.
i will wait for a conversation that grabs a hold of me.
i will wait for that, because there’s nothing less i’d want.
I will keep asking the questions. I will keep digging in. Because one of these times, he’ll beat me to it and that will mean something.